I will always be me. My
persona that is me will change over the years as I grow, mature, educate and
learn from my mistakes. Hopefully I will improve as a person as a result of my
life experiences. You will always be you. Your life experiences will be unique
to you, and hopefully you will improve as a person also. When a relationship
begins a new entity is born. This third entity is called “us.”
Relationships, they don’t
just happen. They, like children, are created then nurtured to maturity. When
you and I meet, even casually, there is a third person born. This person is
young, immature, and unsure of itself. As you and I spend time together this
third person grows, adapts, matures and becomes increasingly self-evident. Whether
this third person grows into a positive, mature and productive adult depends
entirely on how you and I respect each other, the more there is disrespect
toward one or the other the increasingly dysfunctional this third person will
become.
If we never see each
other again then this third person becomes dormant. This third person doesn’t
disappear, as if it never happened, it does remain in its undeveloped state. It
is a part of our development as a person, and so it remains with us. Since this
third person is a part of who we are it changes the way we interact with the
next person we meet. We may react with increased zeal or with trepidation.
Two main parts of growing
a positive third person is trust and respect. The third part is mutual care and
support. All three are important in a relationship. These are the foundations
of any relationship, therefore, removing any one of them will evolve into a dysfunctional
relationship. Sometimes these relationships fall apart with each person
carrying that third person with them, each with their unique interpretation of
the reality of the relationship. And sometimes the couple will remain with each
other for a lifetime. Always struggling to find some normalcy in their
relationship.
There
is no doubt that relationships take a lot of hard work. In other articles I
have used the word “arduous.” I think this true in many relationships. For many
more couples or even families, it is something less then arduous. This could be
anywhere from just continually adjusting to one another to professional family
counseling.
A
strong foundation begins at the very creation of any relationship. More
generally speaking, treating everyone at the outset with respect will create
opportunities for healthy relationships. Without respect and trust along with
mutual care and support relationships are impossible to create. As in any
relationship, trust is given as a precept to respect. But as a relationship
develops, trust must be earned. When trust is abused in a relationship it is
very difficult, and in many cases impossible, to regain or restore it to its
previous level.
From
the earning and giving of trust and respect, mutual care and support naturally
develops. It becomes something of a desire. Each couple decides how, how much,
and what kind of care and support the other needs or requires. Much of this
comes through trial and error. The constant adjusting mentioned earlier.
Relationships
are complicated. Mostly because we are raised as individuals. As children it’s
all about me, me and me. As we grow older we are taught to share. We are taught
to be independent in thought as well as to be able to work and play with
others. But a relationship goes well beyond these simple teachings. A
relationship bears a responsibility to constantly develop, in love, this third
person. This creation called “us.” Each person is responsible to give of
themselves and enhance this third person while never letting the persona that
is them get away. This “us” becomes the love that binds each couple together,
for all the days of their lives.
May your
life be blessed with the unique love that only “us” can bring to life.
By David E. Gonzales
