Us, The Third Person

I will always be me. My persona that is me will change over the years as I grow, mature, educate and learn from my mistakes. Hopefully I will improve as a person as a result of my life experiences. You will always be you. Your life experiences will be unique to you, and hopefully you will improve as a person also. When a relationship begins a new entity is born. This third entity is called “us.”

Relationships, they don’t just happen. They, like children, are created then nurtured to maturity. When you and I meet, even casually, there is a third person born. This person is young, immature, and unsure of itself. As you and I spend time together this third person grows, adapts, matures and becomes increasingly self-evident. Whether this third person grows into a positive, mature and productive adult depends entirely on how you and I respect each other, the more there is disrespect toward one or the other the increasingly dysfunctional this third person will become.

If we never see each other again then this third person becomes dormant. This third person doesn’t disappear, as if it never happened, it does remain in its undeveloped state. It is a part of our development as a person, and so it remains with us. Since this third person is a part of who we are it changes the way we interact with the next person we meet. We may react with increased zeal or with trepidation.

Two main parts of growing a positive third person is trust and respect. The third part is mutual care and support. All three are important in a relationship. These are the foundations of any relationship, therefore, removing any one of them will evolve into a dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes these relationships fall apart with each person carrying that third person with them, each with their unique interpretation of the reality of the relationship. And sometimes the couple will remain with each other for a lifetime. Always struggling to find some normalcy in their relationship.

            There is no doubt that relationships take a lot of hard work. In other articles I have used the word “arduous.” I think this true in many relationships. For many more couples or even families, it is something less then arduous. This could be anywhere from just continually adjusting to one another to professional family counseling.

            A strong foundation begins at the very creation of any relationship. More generally speaking, treating everyone at the outset with respect will create opportunities for healthy relationships. Without respect and trust along with mutual care and support relationships are impossible to create. As in any relationship, trust is given as a precept to respect. But as a relationship develops, trust must be earned. When trust is abused in a relationship it is very difficult, and in many cases impossible, to regain or restore it to its previous level.

            From the earning and giving of trust and respect, mutual care and support naturally develops. It becomes something of a desire. Each couple decides how, how much, and what kind of care and support the other needs or requires. Much of this comes through trial and error. The constant adjusting mentioned earlier.

            Relationships are complicated. Mostly because we are raised as individuals. As children it’s all about me, me and me. As we grow older we are taught to share. We are taught to be independent in thought as well as to be able to work and play with others. But a relationship goes well beyond these simple teachings. A relationship bears a responsibility to constantly develop, in love, this third person. This creation called “us.” Each person is responsible to give of themselves and enhance this third person while never letting the persona that is them get away. This “us” becomes the love that binds each couple together, for all the days of their lives.

May your life be blessed with the unique love that only “us” can bring to life.

By David E. Gonzales

Relationships, I Believe

            I don't believe in one night stands,

                          I believe in relationships.

Oh sure a one night stand has some benefits, there is a physical need that is served. But the emotional and the psychological needs are far from satisfied. All positive relationships are grounded in mutual respect and care. A one night stand belies this positive aspect with the “me” factor being the driving purpose. The concern is in receiving and not in giving.

For me, as a person, to always have a goal to strive for brings a certain special passion to my life. To be in a continuing relationship with another where I am trying to understand, while not always agreeing with another, is to forever bring me closer to that person in my relationship with them. With God, and with people, this relationship can never be complete in this world and so the continuing effort to understand another is vital to the growth of any relationship.

I also think that a relationship should be with both partners as giving, and not so much with the give and take so often talked about. When you are in a relationship of give and take inevitably there is a score kept. This may not be a conscience score but more a feeling of dissatisfaction with one’s needs being met. If both partners are of a giving mode then there is less likely a feeling of need, as the need is fulfilled with the giving. This might be considered a “perfect” relationship, however “perfect” is a human impossibility.

Artist Unknown

I don't believe in “perfect”. I don't believe in the perfect relationship. Not even my relationship with God, as I understand God, is perfect. I believe somehow that is the point of our relationships, not to be perfect, but instead to forever being committed to, faithful to, and striving for the perfect relationship with another person. In faith this relationship would be our Spirituality. As human beings we are all different, imperfect, and unique and as such we have to work at it to get along. The more intimate the relationship the increasingly arduous the task. Along with the effort also comes the increased satisfaction of being.

In this type of relationship there is also risk. For being open and honest is a necessary element. Any time we are open and honest we expose ourselves to possible ridicule or embarrassment, either private or public. This of course is why I believe that all positive relationships are grounded in respect and care. Relationships that use a deception and/or manipulation as a foundation will lead to unhappiness and failure.

The euphoria of a new relationship can be quite alluring; this is almost always a short term emotion. Including your partner in your plans as you look to the future will help in your quest for a meaningful relationship. You may have noticed that I have not written here about “love”. I believe that love is rooted in charity and charity is giving without the expectation of a return, and giving without the expectation of a return, is love practiced and love defined. Above I stated that I believe that both partners should be as giving and not give and take. This in turn would lead to perfect love. But since I don't believe in perfect, there is the arduous task of understanding with respect and care for the heart of another.

I believe that for those willing to put forth the risk and effort of a relationship they will be increasingly successful, happy, and fulfilled people. Adding to this a good and positive Spirituality can only increase the satisfaction of any relationship.

Blessings to you of peace and love, always.

By David E. Gonzales