Alzheimer’s, A Thousand Good Bye’s

           Each day, sometimes hour, there’s a new realization, a deeper understanding of this most egregious disease. Alzheimer’s is a slow and unpredictable demise of the afflicted and simply the most despicable type of torture ever devised by nature. No man could think up any method more emotionally or physically debilitating.

          Each day is a new good bye. And yet there he is, dad, sitting there, starring back at me. Sometimes he stares at me with a smile, Sometimes it’s as blank as night. I never know if there will be a dawn. Sometimes he speaks fluently, if only for a short sentence. Then it’s back to mumbling, fidgeting with is hands. He attempts to stand, only to wonder why. A customer needs help, a meeting needs to be attended, a car needs to be washed and readied for the customer to pick-up. But that was fifteen years ago.

          Time no longer matters. There’s no longer a difference between dawn or dusk, between Sunday or any day. It’s just today, it’s just right now, and it’s just never going to be the same. As his personality slowly vanishes, the reality of his mortality increasingly develops. After all. He is my hero, my mentor, that bigger than life guy I still remember from when I was a kid.

          And then there’s the dilemma of the end. I know what that means, for there’s only one end to Alzheimer’s. Except with Alzheimer’s there’s more than one death. I want so much for my father’s suffering to end. But that would mean a new suffering would begin, but this time it would be my mother who suffers. The suffering of grief.

          Grief, that despicable yet emotionally necessary process of healing. There’s no time limit on grief, and Alzheimer’s, that thousand different ways and days of saying goodbye grinds out every drop of emotional fortitude. This is grieving in advance, preparing for grieving post. It’s going to happen, my father’s death, I’ll miss dad, and I’ll be happy for dad, while hurting for mom.

          I thank God for his grace that allows me the strength to deal with the ever changing and challenging emotional and psychological drain this disease affects. I am thankful for my training in chaplaincy and religious study to help me, and hopefully my family, through this most difficult time. And to help us through the difficult time that is most certainly yet to come.

          I’ll never be sure when dad will leave us for good, I do know that he will leave us before he dies. There’s so much to say, ………. That will never be said.

by David E. Gonzales

“In his great love,

the God of all consolation gave us the gift of life.

May he bless you with faith,

in the resurrection of his Son,

and with the hope of rising to new life.”

Amen-

From the “Shorter Book of Blessings”

Grief, A Thought About:

We are physical beings, and as physical beings we understand the touch, smell, taste, and visual world by those measures. When we lose a loved one to death we grieve these physical losses of our loved one as if we have lost a measure of ourselves.

I think grief has as much to do with accepting death as it does anything else. I think we, as mortal beings, need to learn how to accept this loss both in the physical and spiritual sense. Part of acceptance has to do with how we understand our faith and what our faith tells us. When we or our loved ones pass away we are told, in our faith, there is no pain, no crying of tears, nor suffering by our loved ones. (Rev; 7: 16-17, Rev: 21: 4a).

I think if we truly believe this teaching it can have a comforting effect on our grieving.

I think also we need to understand that there’s a difference between letting go and forgetting. When we say we are letting go it has to do with the physical presence of our loved ones. We will keep our loved ones with us by our memories and the stories we share with others. As we remember them through these stories our minds recreate the sights, smells and sounds associated with our loved ones.

If we accept the loss of our loved ones and equally accept the understanding of our faith, I believe we can lessen the pain of grief and the time it takes to go through the process of our grief. By not accepting that our loved one has indeed passed away, by holding on to the physical sights, smells and sounds associated with our loved one, we grieve all the longer and all the harder and all the more intensely. This is not to suggest that this is a simple thing to do, it is not. However, by understanding our faith we can more easily and perhaps with less pain let go of the physical presence of our loved ones. While never forgetting our memories of them and realizing their new place with God can help us in our life’s many transitions.

Related posts;

Grief, what’s so good about it? - http://daedgo.blogspot.com/2012/10/grief-whats-so-good-about-it.html 

Tears - http://daedgo.blogspot.com/2014/07/tears.html 

Scripture is from the NABRE:

Rev. 7: 16-17: They will not hunger or thirst anymore, nor will the sun or any heat strike them. Thor the Lamb who is in the center of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to springs of life-giving water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Rev. 21: 4a; “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain,”

by David E. Gonzales

Tears

One of the greatest gifts is the ability to cry. It may not seem like it to many, but I consider it to be a truth.

An old Jewish fable, roughly paraphrased, as Adam and Eve were leaving the Garden of Eden, God had them wait for moment. God wanted to give them a gift. The gift God gave them was a tear. The gift of a tear for Adam and Eve was to cope with the loss of their intimate relationship with God and for the arduous life that awaited them.

Artwork by David E. Gonzales

I find it amazing one gift can convey extreme emotions on opposite ends of the spectrum. The depths of grief may be brought about by the loss of a loved one; the joys may be brought about by a marriage or a birth. Tears, they help us to endure the deepest pain of grief and experience the highs of our greatest joys! Crying brings about a tremendous release in mind and body, one that is uninhibited to social scrutiny.

Tears have been said to cleanse the soul. I believe this is true. Tears help the mind release the pain of an event. No, they’re not a cure, but certainly they are an assistance to the mind and body. On the joyful side, tears help us to enjoy an event to the maximum extent. Tears are the one gift, the one emotion, which brings our humanity out. They allow us to be ourselves in an extreme manner.

Tears are not in themselves painful, they do, however, allow us to bring out an intensity of pain beyond our normal experience. Tears are not pleasure, but in much the same manner as pain, tears allow us to bring out the full intensity our of joy.

Tears, so simple, so basic, so necessary, so extraordinary!

May all your tears be brought to your eyes through joyous celebration –

by David E. Gonzales

Grief, what’s so good about it?

            Grief, I am willing to bet that this is not your first choice in reading. But grief is something that each person, without exception, has to deal with. And no, it isn’t always the loss of a loved one. Death of a child or a loved one, I would say, is the most intense grief experience that a person may go through. The loss of a loved one, husband, wife, child, close friend, these are some of the more recognizable ones, but no one has to die for you to experience grief. Empty nesters experience grief as do pet owners, especially those that may not have had children. Divorce causes grief as well, the loss of a love that was thought to last forever, now gone. Grief is an experience; it is also a process that everyone will have to deal with sooner or later. It is the experience of loss and the process of grief that follows, that hurts us, that breaks our hearts. Every one reacts to a loss through their individual perception. Some react through their religious traditions while others react through their secular culture.

            Much of how a person grieves may depend on an individual’s understanding of their faith. If you truly believe that that “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain,” … (Rev. 21: 4a) If you believe that they are home, truly home, where the love they have now is more pure than anything we here on earth can ever experience. Than the grieving that these people endure, may very well be less than that of those who do not have this, or some similar understanding.

            Grieving has been described as a process. It helps to understand that there are steps or stages that a person must go through in order to ease the pain of grief. It also helps to understand that there is no “cure” for grief. I choose to use the term “phases” since not everyone will go through the same order of these steps or stages. There are different models on which grieving can be looked at. And I will list the one that I have found to be most helpful later. Being able to understand grieving will help many through the progression of grieving. This paper is meant to be an understanding of grief and as an encouragement for you to look deeper into this subject.

            Loss is that something or someone, that is no longer accessible to us in the physical sense. We may miss someone we love while they are on a trip, but we are pretty sure that they will return in good time. Now suddenly we may have to come to the acceptance that seeing them in good time means “when we meet again in heaven”. But even that does not help us in the here and now, their gone and I’m still here. I grieve because I can no longer have that which I have had for long. It is the familiar that we are missing.

            Our men and women in uniform also suffer from grief. Some of the grief they suffer is from the loss of their fellow soldiers; for others it may be a loss of innocence. A reality that only war or some kind of tragedy can bring about. They have lost something of themselves. They grieve for that loss, physical and/or emotional because they want it back, and it’s just not there anymore.

            We are all mortal. I know of no one that would dispute that fact. And yet it is more often than not that the talk of death is taboo. We do not prepare ourselves or our loved ones for death. We wish to not put together funeral arraignments for ourselves or even for our loved ones until after the death. We leave the chore to our children, friends or even our legal representatives. I am of the thought that the more open we are about death and dying, and what we believe about it, the less painful death will be. The more we understand death in the context of our faith the more we will be able to express ourselves with a positive sense of life after death. Both for those who have departed and for those of us that are here to bear the loss.

            Understanding how your faith views death, dying, and bereavement can help you along your journey through these most difficult times. This is true whether you are dealing with the death of loved one, friend or you are enduring the pain of rehabilitation, physical and/or emotional. By openly discussing this with someone knowledgeable in your faith, preferably someone who has been trained in chaplaincy, you can attain an additional approach of dealing with your particular concern.

            On the occasion I had patients tell me they were mad at God. They would say that they felt bad about these feelings, and they didn’t think it was right to have these feelings, since they believed that God is love. Yes, it is ok to be mad at God. Perhaps it would be better to say, mad with God. God has no desire to see us in pain. Be mad with God, express yourself verbally, let out the pain, and then let the wind take that pain away. Do not keep the pain inside, hidden. The longer you hide the pain the more the pain will fester into anger and anger into hate. And hate can only be self destructive.

            Yes, grief can be good, or more correctly stated, good for us. Going through the agony of grief can bring us to a degree of peace and understanding within us, as well as bringing us to a closer and improved understanding of our faith. Read, discuses, and pray for the understanding that God rejoices with us in our good times and most especially suffers with us in our greatest times of need.

May your times of need be softened by the Grace and love of God

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FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

The following can be found at; http://www.ekrfoundation.org / The Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation

Also known as the ‘grief cycle’, it is important to bear in mind that Kübler-Ross did not intend this to be a rigid series of sequential or uniformly timed steps. It’s not a process as such, it’s a model or a framework. There is a subtle difference: a process implies something quite fixed and consistent; a model is less specific – more of a shape or guide. By way of example, people do not always experience all of the five ‘grief cycle’ stages. Some stages might be revisited. Some stages might not be experienced at all. Transition between stages can be more of an ebb and flow, rather than a progression. The five stages are not linear; neither are they equal in their experience. People’s grief, and other reactions to emotional trauma, are as individual as a fingerprint.

In this sense you might wonder what the purpose of the model is if it can vary so much from person to person. An answer is that the model acknowledges there to be an individual pattern of reactive emotional responses which people feel when coming to terms with death, bereavement, and great loss or trauma, etc. The model recognizes that people have to pass through their own individual journey of coming to terms with death and bereavement, etc., after which there is generally an acceptance of reality, which then enables the person to cope.

The model is perhaps a way of explaining how and why ‘time heals’, or how ‘life goes on’. And as with any aspect of our own or other people’s emotions, when we know more about what is happening, then dealing with it is usually made a little easier.

Again, while Kübler-Ross’ focus was on death and bereavement, the grief cycle model is a useful perspective for understanding our own and other people’s emotional reaction to personal trauma and change, irrespective of cause.

EKR stage	Interpretation
1 – Denial	Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It’s a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
2 – Anger	Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
3 – Bargaining	Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example “Can we still be friends?..” when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
4 – Depression	Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
5 – Acceptance	Again this stage definitely varies according to the person’s situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009..

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The following has been copied from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: http://wikipeda.org

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded this theoretical model to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). Such losses may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addition, incarceration, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility, diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters. 

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The following prayer is from the Order of Christian Funerals: I found during my study and practice in the field of chaplaincy that this prayer would bring about a calm and peace to many of those in times of sorrow.

             Father of mercies and God of all consolation,

you peruse us with untiring love

and dispel the shadow of death

with the bright dawn of life. 

            Comfort your family in their loss and sorrow.

Be our refuge and our strength, O Lord,

and lift us from the depths of grief

into the peace and light of your presence. 

            Your son, our Lord Jesus Christ,

by dying has destroyed our death,

and by rising, restored our life.

Enable us therefore to press on toward him,

so that, after our earthly course is run,

he may reunite us with those we love,

when every tear will be wiped away. 

We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen

Scripture is from the NABRE 

By David E.Gonzales